by my last estimate, there are several thousand entertainers on god's green earth whose only apparent aim is to decrease my self worth, because lately i have so many anxious episodes i could make a series, and so many fits i should be rejoicing in my fitness. and not being sick and wispy. nearly disappearing with every piece of me i give away for bait and tackle. for bait and switch, for catching backhanded compliments. like "you remind me of a young insert-famous-name-here"... well, why the hell aren't i good enough to be his equal at the age that he's most famous for? if i had to set the record straight, and don't get me wrong, i truly hate to do it... i'd say that there's no way i can further develop without being enveloped by my own manufactured self-hatred. i keep comparing myself to those who i'm compared to, and i keep concluding precisely that they're superior. so i'm inferior, i'm not highly evolved, i'm a kid in a record store. i'm shopping for metaphors in bargain bins next to vinyl that came in limited pressings. i am a metal machine loser. and by my most recent estimate i am vastly less intelligent, charismatic, neurotic, asthmatic, et cetera... than the prodigies before me, so i keep faking like i'm a mess when i'm more or less put together perfectly. i mean, asides from the basic flaws of mind and body, i'm just a boy with legs and arms and a heart that's working properly. just not in a way that i find satisfactory. i want bigger, better, bursting forth with emotion. i want a surplus of brilliance and a deficit of rants and explosions. i'll be falling apart if i ain't comin' together. my seams will be tearing if you're not buying the fabric, i need the investment to make this work, i need people to listen so i can stop speaking so loudly. yes, there was a time when i didn't have to eke out a living making snide comments from the sidelines. in fact, i wasn't just on the field, i was starting. i was the quarterback literati for the public high school set. the first time i read a poem people wanted to see me on oprah on their tv sets but i just dropped all the praise and went looking to be maligned and oppressed. i wanted to be hated so i could learn what causes distress. i shoveled on the seedy underbelly, wrote of all tomorrow's parties, but all i really wanted was a mention for the controversy. because controversy breeds conversation, and i wanna be in the new breed of superstardom, which is apparently a waste of claimed adolescent alcoholism because real writers aren't famous 'til they're dead or dying, i mean, ask anybody who's worth their weight in posthumous literature prizes. so the question arises: what the fuck am i supposed to do in the 60 plus years between now and a future of notable accomplishment?! i don't wanna spend my life getting high in basements and then reporting on it. i don't wanna be a wallflower, nor do i find pleasure in being the vine that grows them. i'd rather not spend my days making kids feel more awkward, more pressured or more like victims. y'all should be the ones causing havoc, and taking no prisoners. gimme some history to riff on. girls and drugs ain't nowhere near groundbreaking. what's the real difference in little white sinning? they're both expensive, they're both heartbreaking. you get pissed off, you get ripped off, you get tipped off that someone's cheating. either me out of money, or best friends outta clothing, and that's the facts. so down to brass tacks, people: if you want to be inspired, give me somethin' inspiring. i'm so sick of complaining that i find it worthy to whine about and i'm so sick of whining that i'd be willing to give up the pen in the search for the right subtopic. it's not current events, it's the future ones that i'm worried about. i mean, in 10 or so years, i'll still be writing, i'm sure of it. i'll just be slightly more grizzled and slightly more worldly. which really isn't a bad thing. but new england just doesn't feel too new to me. so get with the program if  you want some new programming. until then, you've got the basic sinner's cable like cinemax at three in the morning.


earn yourself a distinguished public broadcasting.