i am as full of resentment as i am devoid of accomplishments. what have i done to deserve nothing? nothing. i just fucking wandered around on the brink of existence. too honest, too stupid, too smart, not painless enough. this mindset buzzes like a hornet's nest built up in my heart and set loose on my body's best defenses. and they are storming the walls now. it stings like a letdown. she'll never love you again, now. i'll never be anything, how could i ever even pretend that i would be. i'm just stupid kid with a pen and a diary. what a waste of oxygen and what a loss of a lifetime. i could've done better in school, but i was just bending the rules 'til they broke again. and look, now i'm choking, the air is thin. thin like my body, collapsed under mountains of apologies. look, i'm sorry. if every note was in tune, and every song was worth listening to, maybe i'd be listened, too. people would open their arms just to embrace what was wrong with me. not just my fucking poetry. a picture's worth a thousand words, and i'm not photogenic, just dead and degenerate flesh. food for the ground. to grow better sounds, to make better things that will have better hours in the day, no more sleeping till 2, no more wanting to stay, or at least waiting 'till night. when i could finally escape from the depths of my room and go drive, drive to the pier. where the water met land, and i made my demands. okay, world. i want a fight to the death, i've got nothing to lose, because everything left me, and i've got nothing left, so everything's right in the right place. and this is the right time. to lose what i've gained in this lost life. and only god could accept me, but there's no god for the sinner, just a path to the gutter, but that's better. i'd rather live for myself and live for the moment then live for some fucking book and its questionable content. so go pray at your pulpit. it's all fucking bullshit. you know that confession may wash your hands of your indiscretions, but it can't wipe your brain of all your human obsessions. to eat. to lie and to breed. and to lay there for hours well your wife puts on something more comfortable so you can forget all your troubles. maybe a comfortable noose. it'll keep you tight and unable to loosen at all.  i hope your children get better, get immune to this vile load of shit that you're peddling. thou shalt not kill, unless you're killing for he who is holiest, and that's me. because who needs a deity.  and don't try and impress me. my first impressions are weak, and i come off even weaker. this tie is all wrong and my shoes are all scuffed up. my eyes are sincere but my palms sweat like liars under the light. and under the knife. maybe surgery could make you pretty, but it made some pretty ugly things through a lot of autopsies. but go get all the work you want done. till you're more plastic than girl, and more synthetic than sincere or concise. but it got the job done. you got the hourglass figure, flipped it over and made time stand stiller than usual. but the years still go by. i'm still too old to be cute, but we're too young to get drunk off our asses. to get numb through the endless flow of glasses filled with volatile masses of clear liquids i'm downing, drowning in fear. drowning in tears, 90 proof, and extremely flammable. and i'll burn this ship down. maybe then you will know me. from the news at eight thirty, i'm there holding the match like the statue of fucking liberty. but nothing's ever that free. the huddled masses? we build a wall to keep them from getting through to this country. so i build a wall in my room. and wait out the monsoon to come swallow me. but help will not come, just the morgue and the coroner. who would speak at my funeral? maybe my friends or my enemies, i hope they miss me like i miss the highways, and the beaches, and the cafes. i wish i played guitar, be some superstar doing mountains of drugs from the desk where i kept all the lyrics i wrote down. they all sound like garbage, and they will burn in the fireplace quickly. fueled by cocaine and this endless rage that's within me. it's worth nothing. all the cash in the world couldn't buy a girl who'd adore me. just one that would whore me. i've got no time to be charming, just undress and be disarmed, not disarming. but my parents don't know me. i don't want all this schooling. i just want to be happy. i just want some to make me happy, by force or by volunteering my feelings, to be loving. i could do it, i swear it. but i'm nothing yet. and i'm nothing that could be worth it. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless. just worthless.